Here in Illinois, there was quite the commotion over the snow in October. I know we are not ready for winter. I know we wanted a few more weeks of that beautiful fall weather that we cherish so much in the midwest. But instead we were faced with freezing temps and snow. It all just feels so off, right? I too, was incredibly crabby to see the forecast of snow during the week of Halloween, a time I was looking forward to being outside with my kids trick or treating and enjoying FALL. I had a vision for what I wanted the week to look like with my family and the snow seemed to ruin it. Or did it?
Of course it didn’t. In fact, we had a fantastic adventure trick or treating and playing with friends. We built a snowman named Ellis, our Halloween snowman. We made snow angels. We ate candy. We embraced the season we were given. The view of brightly colored leaves glistening in the snow was not a bad sight either, I would venture to say it was pretty breathtaking actually.
Personally, I felt like this fall snow was a reminder that I needed to embrace MY season, because to be honest I have been having a hard time doing just that. I had a vision for what this season of my life was going to look like; I would spend days blissfully playing with my girls, going on adventures, being able to keep up with the house, have time to make meals and then I would spend two days a week working with students and fostering my business. I was going to feel SO BALANCED you guys.
Well, I am not feeling balanced at all. My days with my girls CAN be blissful and fun, don’t get me wrong. But the majority of the time they feel like endless monotony. Manage tantrums/emotions, change diapers, constant fighting and noise, laundry and cleanup cleanup cleanup. It feels impossible to not lose my patience which then ensues a mountain of guilt. I no longer have an overwhelmingly long to do list, but things just FEEL overwhelming. I look forward to the two days that I get to work, but I also find myself cramming a million things within those two days. So that leaves me feeling a bit overwhelmed in a different way.
I know I am doing a good job, I am proud of how we are raising our kids and really am thankful that I get to be with them so much—but man it is also just hard. Hard on my mind and hard on my identity. As I see people get after their goals or doing fun things, whether it be with their career or fitness or whatever, I feel a twinge of sadness. When will I have that kind of freedom again? When will my girls stop needing me so much? When will it stop feeling like such an impossible feat to keep up with day to day tasks around the house or to just make a simple dinner? I still do things that bring me joy, I feel strongly about that, just not as much as I would like.
There have been so many things that have been giving me perspective lately, the perspective to be thankful for where I am what I have. In two short years our girls will both be off to school. That is so soon, although at the same time, it feels like an eternity away. And when I do have a bit more freedom down the road, I don’t want to look back at this season with sadness because I didn’t embrace it. So that’s the intention I am working on right now, to not wish for the future or dream about past, like Ellis the Halloween snowman, just embrace the season. Whatever season you are in right now, whether it be one you didn’t expect or one that is just plain hard, I encourage you to find the beauty. It is there, I promise.
Stay blessed in the mess 😉