Paralyzed by COVID Confusion

If I wear a mask to the store and live in fear, I am a sheep. Get your head out of the sand, they say.  The Government is trying to control you, they say.  This is a hoax.

If I am intrigued by conspiracy theories or question ANYTHING, I am called selfish.  If I don’t wear a mask everywhere I go, I am called reckless.  You are disrespecting the medical professionals putting their life on the line, they say.  This is real. 

We saw our parents for the first time in months last weekend, at a distance, with masks.  My 4 year old coughed near where one parent was sitting, her beloved Pop-pop.  When she coughed, I immediately became tense and moved her even farther away.  She started crying, “I covered my mouth Mom, did I make him sick?”

Like many of you, my girls are used to seeing their grandparents weekly.  I haven’t seen my 89 year old Papa who I have no idea how much time I have left with, for fear of putting him at risk.  I have a parent with lung cancer. It is for THEM I have followed these rules.  But I also struggle with the fact that I am losing time with people I was already losing time with. 

I feel like I am living a movie.  You know like Hunger Games or Divergent where we live in this messed up society with limited freedoms, lots of fear and no clear idea of the truth?  I want to trust science, I want to trust medical professionals, I want to do the right thing. I really really do, but I am also having a hard time knowing who or what to trust. 

 How can we blame anybody for trying to wade through the million bits of misinformation every day trying to find a sliver of truth on what is really happening?  It is impossible. I am disgusted by how media outlets are handling this crisis, that seems the most unjust to me of everything. 

I alway thought that if I were living in a movie or time such as this, I would certainly be the character that stands up for what is right and what is true. Of course it would be totally obvious to me when something is not right and I would have zero problem standing up for it and speaking my mind, even when it broke the law.   Of course!

But here I am.  Living out a moment in history and it is not that easy, I feel paralyzed by confusion.  

I am confused as to why the “peak’ of the virus keeps getting moved–when I also hear that the stay at home order is working and the curve is being flattened.

I am confused by the constantly growing numbers of cases, yet not knowing more than one person who has this virus.

I am confused that tests are now more available, yet how impossible it is to actually get tested. 

I am freaking confused.

There is a quote from The Hunger Games, a popular novel turned movie, that I cannot stop thinking about.  It was spoken by the “bad guy” in the movie, President Snow. He was trying to control his nation with fear for his own selfish motives, all of which was being threatened by a young girl named Katniss, who was challenging the very system her world was built upon. 

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous.  A spark is just fine as long as it is contained.”

I don’t know about you, but when I look to the leaders of this country, all I see is the promotion of fear. I don’t see any hope and I don’t see answers that make sense.  I see headlines stating this could go on for years, I see sponsored posts from news outlets sharing other diseases being found in children that are linked to COVID19, I see horror story after horror story….I see fear promotion everywhere I look. I don’t see any hope.

I am not saying this virus isn’t real, I am not saying that a stay at home order and social distancing are wrong, what I am saying is there is some serious ‘hope containing” happening here and it is very unsettling.  Who exactly benefits from an entire world living in fear?

I want to believe what is right & I want to DO what is right. I just wish I knew what that was. 


  • April

    It’s hard for people with no knowledge into the corruption that has been there long before CV to see what is happening right in front of their eyes.

    We still live with the lie that processed dairy builds strong bones, saturated fat causes heart disease, grains give us energy, red meat is the death of you, fat makes you fat, breakfast is the most important meal of the day ect…

    When I think about these basic things, how could I possibly think that those that are still glued to TV and news would be able to weed through this corona mess and even being to understand the depth of what’s really happening.

    And for me as a health advocate for over a decade, when it comes to these lies, it’s heart wrenching to know the truth will continue to be hidden and people will continue to suffer at the hands of a media that had no legal obligation to tell you the truth!!!

    The news is run by corporations. Need I say more? There is no caring about your health in that equation. We use to own the airwaves as the people, but we no longer do.

  • Anonymous

    The actual Covid deaths vs people who died with Covid are SO low it’s insanity to think they have destroyed our country over this! The number of people devastated by the lockdown is a million times worse then the stupid virus!
    That alone should wake people up!

  • Kelly

    Well you know my feelings on this. Be cautious but not fearful. It’s a careful balance. Continue to enjoy life and see the silver lining (family togetherness, cooking home meals, spending time with children not electronics, going outside like we did when we were children, missing our friends…). I refuse to worry. Tomorrow I could die (it will be coded as covid although I don’t have it). Would I be at the end questioning whether I should have lived more rather than secluded? I know for me what’s right and what’s right for my family. Worry less. Live more.

    Thank u for today Jill.

  • Barb

    Great expression of your feelings, as I know we all at one time felt the same, and most continue to be confused! When this all started in February, I didn’t believe all the reports from media, even on Fox or CSPAN, which I usually watch. Then, I started to feel. mostly from pressure from family & friends that I better be more cautious. In mid-March, I went on sick leave and quarantined, wore a mask in enclosed areas ,and only started to see my kids and grandkids in April. Now, I feel it’s best to keep my faith, and I know that I really wasn’t happy living in fear and keeping away from my family and friends. Also, I knew it wasn’t good for my immune system. Our dear Lord wants us to be happy and keep our faith! This has affected our entire world, so I definitely believe it’s a plan for the “new world order”. Since reading Revelations for years, I am reminded of conversations of over thirty years ago with my Christian women friends. I never thought I would live to see this, and a few of these beloved women are not here. I now feel blessed to be here to observe this without fear, as I know good will overcome evil. I hope and pray you will, too, give this up to our Lord and you will be guided and protected to make the right choices, as you are loved. He is right beside you, and when you cannot walk, He will carry you!

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