Are you listening, really?

One of the key components within my master’s program is learning how to become a better listener. This is something I used to pride myself in. As I am learning, I am not as good of a listener as I thought I was and it is very humbling. The good news is I am working on it.

Think about a recent conversation you had with somebody, a co-worker, a friend, spouse etc. As they were talking, did you interrupt them? If not, were you thinking about what your next statement would be? Were you thinking about your to do list? If there were any thoughts at all running through your head, you were not truly listening.

We are all guilty of this. As I touched on a few blogs ago, we are a culture of excess. We multitask in everything we do, even within our thinking. We move a million miles a minute and that has turned us into terrible listeners. We sometimes are such poor listeners that we miss out on an obvious cry for help from a loved one who needed us… because while they were talking we were thinking about something else. We must shift. We must close our mouths and open our eyes and ears to the voices and non-verbal communication around us.

The more I practice this and study it in different seminars within my graduate program, the more sensitive I am now when it is happening around me. I have to admit, there are meetings at work or social outings that I have become so uncomfortable in because all everybody is doing is interrupting each other, having side conversations, not paying attention etc. This of course accomplishes nothing and just creates this culture of disrespect that everyone deems as normal. There is no doubt that I used to do the same and still am working on changing my bad habits. It is our nature to want to talk about ourselves and tell our story, we all have great stories. The problem with that is, you do not succeed or gain respect by telling everyone how awesome you are. You do that by listening, by lifting others up, by putting others before you. By SHOWING your character, not talking about it. People do not always remember what you say but they always remember how you made them feel.

Next time you are in a group setting, think “2B4U”. 2-voices-before-your voice. Let others talk, ask them questions, when you give them your full undivided attention they will in turn give you theirs. Don’t interject with a “me” story, don’t look at your phone, LISTEN with your eyes and ears. Sure, they might ramble on but that is okay. It is our nature, and you and I are both guilty of rambling if we are given the chance. But think about the last time someone was TRULY interested in your weekend or a project you were working on or your kid’s baseball game. Didn’t that make you feel great and valued? Didn’t you think a little higher of that person because they took the time to ask you how things were going? And actually listened and cared?!

Another part of this is negative talk or gossip. It drives me nuts. Don’t start gossip. Don’t say something negative about another person, no matter what the circumstance. Even if it is as simple as “Did you see her outfit? I would never wear that.” What good or value did that statement bring by being said outloud? Zero. I have learned that the concept of “those who gossip with you, gossip about you” is 100% true, and sadly it seems worse in adulthood. There have been numerous conversations I have had even with close friends that go down a negative path and my mind cannot help but wonder….what do they say about me? It certainly hurts my heart because I know it is probably true. We are all vulnerable in someway, we all have weaknesses and often we spend so much time pointing out others’ shortcomings instead of working on our own.

Don’t you want to be remembered as the person who stays above that? The person whom nobody has anything negative to say about you? I hate to say it, but if you are constantly judging and talking about others…chances are people might not always think very highly of you. It does not mean you are a bad person, it just means you can afford to be more self-aware. Gossip and negative talk screams “I am insecure”. You will not get ahead in your life that way, I promise you. You will get ahead by praising and supporting others. You will get a head by listening.