Let’s see. The last time I wrote a post, it was the day before I was returning back to work from my maternity leave in March. I was sad, nervous, excited, and wondering how I was going to balance working and being a first time mom. Not gonna lie, I had felt pretty on top of my motherhood game at that point. I have a happy baby with a good routine who sleeps through the night, I can totally handle work. How hard could it be?
I am a few months into that journey and let me tell you…I am not doing so hot. In fact, I am one big train wreck. All the time.
March through May is the busiest time of year in higher ed, so I had to hit the ground running as soon as I got back. This of course was a blessing to keep me distracted, but a curse in my stress levels. My day was instantly filled with insanity…and I mean INSANITY. I have barely had time to breathe. During this time of year, I usually like to go into work extra early a few times a week to stay caught up or power through some tasks without distraction. Honestly, I COULD be doing that, but I don’t want to. My child sleeps from 730pm- 630am. So the way I see it, I already only getting 3 hours TOPS a day with her awake. Leaving the house earlier than 7:30am or staying at the office later than 5pm meant missing out on even more time with her. This gives me so much anxiety because I already miss her so bad it hurts.
So, for these last few months I have been getting to work on time if not late, which stresses me out. Despite not getting everything on my list done, or responding to all the emails I should have….I leave at 5pm regardless. Which stresses me out. This is not the kind of employee I am or have ever been. But I am struggling to find a balance. I miss my girl, all the time. I am dying to get home every day to see her and it kills me that for 50 hours a week somebody else is taking care of her when she is MINE. So I end up leaving work feeling like a terrible employee because I didn’t accomplish what I needed and then I get home for the 2 hours left with my child feeling like a terrible mother. Apparently this is the crux of parenthood.
And the rest of my life outside of work and Rocklyn? Feels almost non- existent. Keeping up with the house, bills or even something simple as responding to text messages or being nice to my husband (who is constantly traveling for work), seems near impossible. I have miraculously managed to workout a few times a week, BUT in order to do that I have to be up at 3:45/4am at the latest in order to fit that and pumping before she wakes up. This is also why I am dead to the world by 8pm.
Guys, I have one kid. ONE. UNO. Again, a happy one. Who sleeps and is the awesomest little being ever. WHY IS THIS SO HARD? Why do I feel like such a constant train wreck and failure? I have not felt this out of sorts since I was in college and was losing my keys every other day and going negative in my bank account on a consistent basis.
Good news? Things are starting to slow down a little, thank heavens. So I can regain my composure (a little) and try to figure out how to get a handle on my life again. I know I am not the only one running frantically through this journey of being a parent and facing the challenge of trying to be decent in my different roles. My favorite role is Rocky’s Mom, the problem is trying to make time for the other roles that seem oh so less important.
I think there is a way to feel a LITTLE balanced with all of this, maybe not all the time but at least some of the time. I really am working on it. To my fellow Mama bears out there, we can do this. I think.