{"id":3013,"date":"2021-04-20T16:09:08","date_gmt":"2021-04-20T16:09:08","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.blessedinthemess.com\/blog\/?p=3013"},"modified":"2021-04-20T16:09:09","modified_gmt":"2021-04-20T16:09:09","slug":"we-are-not-fine","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.blessedinthemess.com\/blog\/we-are-not-fine\/","title":{"rendered":"We are not fine"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

We are not fine.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is a Monday morning in April of 2020 and I wake up with my anxiety racing.\u00a0 It\u2019s 5am, my girls will be up within the next hour.\u00a0 I am awake early to find some solace before a hectic day at home, but I am already stressed.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Today I have a meeting from 10am-12pm and I don\u2019t have any childcare coverage.\u00a0 It will be fine<\/strong><\/em>, I tell myself.\u00a0 They have played on their own for 2 hours many times before, I will put on a movie if I need to, it will be fine. Stop stressing.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I have a flexible job, which means I am the default parent.\u00a0 Which means my work and my parenting collide worlds more often than I would like. I asked for this. I wanted a flexible job so that I could be home with my kids, this is what I signed up for. But what I didn’t anticipate in this mix is how hard some days would truly be. How some days the energy it took to bounce from mom mode to work mode was enough to leave me feeling like I belonged in an insane asylum. There are days I really do wish I could keep home and work separate, but the pandemic brought a whole new level of complexity to working from home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I get a sitter, I am putting my family at risk for COVID19.\u00a0 If I don\u2019t get a sitter, I run the risk of losing my patience on my kids…again. Or with no help, I run the risk of being both a terrible employee and a terrible mother.\u00a0 Sweet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

9:45am rolls around.\u00a0 I set out a table full of snacks and put on a movie.\u00a0 My girls don\u2019t get movies or TV much so when it is on they are LOCKED IN.\u00a0 In comes the guilt.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Really, Jill? Using TV as a babysitter?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s fine<\/strong><\/em>, I tell myself, it is a rainy day out, we had a busy weekend, it will be good for them to chill out this morning with a movie while I sit in this meeting.  <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You are a good Mom, it\u2019s just one flipping disney movie. It\u2019s fine<\/strong>. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Meeting starts rolling and all is well.\u00a0 Girls whine at each other here and there, but otherwise smooth sailing. Until 11:00am.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My 4 year old\u00a0 starts whining that her sister is touching her.\u00a0 Then her little sister starts crying because her dress is bothering her and needs to go get changed. I look at my zoom screen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u00a0MUTE. VIDEO OFF.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I help her change, being anything but the kind and gentle Mom I want to be. I rush her through, I plop her back in front of the movie and come back to the meeting. Guilt guilt guilt.\u00a0It’s fine.<\/strong><\/em> I’m fine.<\/strong> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

My 3 year old continues to start whining again, now crying, now screaming.\u00a0 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh no. I know this scream, she has to poop.\u00a0 No no no no no not now.<\/em>\u00a0 I am supposed to actually talk in this meeting in a minute, please not now.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

The screams grow louder.\u00a0 Poop all over the floor.\u00a0 The 4 year old is also now screaming out of disgust. I privately message my colleague to ask her if she can give my update.\u00a0 Terrible employee. <\/em>\u00a0I yell at my 3 year old for pooping all over the floor even though it is not her fault, she cries harder.\u00a0 Terrible mother. <\/em>I am so frustrated. I am so overwhelmed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The meeting ends and I realize I\u2019ve barely been able to be present for much of it and of course my kids go back to playing nicely. I also realize how mean I was to them in that two hour span. It wasn\u2019t their fault I had a meeting.  It\u2019s not their fault I\u2019m trying to do two things at once.  I cannot do both.  I cannot keep doing both.  I am not even DOING both.  I am ready to break.  It is not fine<\/strong>, I am not fine.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Nursing a baby while conducting a meeting via zoom.\u00a0 Finding creative ways to occupy a toddler that is not screen time (but sometimes desperation wins).\u00a0 Navigating childcare inconsistencies, employee needs, E-learning, dinner to be made, reports to be run, butts to be wiped and programs to plan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is just a sliver of what women have carried this year. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The media calls us superwomen, the true heroes of the pandemic.\u00a0 But if I could guess, most of us don\u2019t actually want to be superwoman.\u00a0 Most of us just want help, we just want to complete a single task or thought without interruption. We want rest and we want the expectations of working moms to be blown to bits once and for all. We are not fine.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We are not fine. It is a Monday morning in April of 2020 and I wake up with my anxiety racing.\u00a0 It\u2019s 5am, my girls will be up within the next hour.\u00a0 I am awake early to find some solace before a hectic day at home, but I am already stressed.\u00a0 Today I have a meeting from 10am-12pm and I don\u2019t have any childcare coverage.\u00a0 It will be fine, I tell myself.\u00a0 They have played on their own for 2 hours many times before, I will put on a movie if I need to, it will be fine. Stop stressing.\u00a0\u00a0 I have a flexible job, which means I am the default parent.\u00a0 Which means my work and my parenting collide worlds more often than I would like. I asked for this. I wanted a flexible job so that I could be home with my kids, this is what I signed up for. But what I didn’t anticipate in this mix is how hard some days would truly be. How some days the energy it took to bounce from mom mode to work mode was enough to leave me feeling like I belonged in an insane asylum. There are days I really do wish I could keep home and work separate, but the pandemic brought a whole new level of complexity to working from home. If I get a sitter, I am putting my family at risk for COVID19.\u00a0 If I don\u2019t get a sitter, I run the risk of losing my patience on my kids…again. Or with no help, I run the risk of being both a terrible employee and a terrible mother.\u00a0 Sweet. 9:45am rolls around.\u00a0 I set out a table full of snacks and put on a movie.\u00a0 My girls don\u2019t get movies or TV much so when it is on they are LOCKED IN.\u00a0 In comes the guilt.\u00a0 Really, Jill? Using TV as a babysitter? It\u2019s fine, I tell myself, it is a rainy day out, we had a busy weekend, it will be good for them to chill out this morning with a movie while I sit in this meeting.   You are a good Mom, it\u2019s just one flipping disney movie. It\u2019s fine.  Meeting starts rolling and all is well.\u00a0 Girls whine at each other here and there, but otherwise smooth sailing. Until 11:00am. My 4 year old\u00a0 starts whining that her sister is touching her.\u00a0 Then her little sister starts crying because her dress is bothering her and needs to go get changed. I look at my zoom screen. \u00a0MUTE. VIDEO OFF.\u00a0 I help her change, being anything but the kind and gentle Mom I want to be. I rush her through, I plop her back in front of the movie and come back to the meeting. Guilt guilt guilt.\u00a0It’s fine. I’m fine. My 3 year old continues to start whining again, now crying, now screaming.\u00a0 Oh no. I know this scream, she has to poop.\u00a0 No no no no no not now.\u00a0 I am supposed to actually talk in this meeting in a minute, please not now.\u00a0 The screams grow louder.\u00a0 Poop all over the floor.\u00a0 The 4 year old is also now screaming out of disgust. I privately message my colleague to ask her if she can give my update.\u00a0 Terrible employee. \u00a0I yell at my 3 year old for pooping all over the floor even though it is not her fault, she cries harder.\u00a0 Terrible mother. I am so frustrated. I am so overwhelmed. The meeting ends and I realize I\u2019ve barely been able to be present for much of it and of course my kids go back to playing nicely. I also realize how mean I was to them in that two hour span. It wasn\u2019t their fault I had a meeting.  It\u2019s not their fault I\u2019m trying to do two things at once.  I cannot do both.  I cannot keep doing both.  I am not even DOING both.  I am ready to break.  It is not fine, I am not fine. Nursing a baby while conducting a meeting via zoom.\u00a0 Finding creative ways to occupy a toddler that is not screen time (but sometimes desperation wins).\u00a0 Navigating childcare inconsistencies, employee needs, E-learning, dinner to be made, reports to be run, butts to be wiped and programs to plan. This is just a sliver of what women have carried this year. The media calls us superwomen, the true heroes of the pandemic.\u00a0 But if I could guess, most of us don\u2019t actually want to be superwoman.\u00a0 Most of us just want help, we just want to complete a single task or thought without interruption. We want rest and we want the expectations of working moms to be blown to bits once and for all. We are not fine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3014,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3013","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t