I am not even really sure where to begin. I have had so many swirling things in my head that I have wanted to share with you. The story behind my decision to quit my job, start a small business and be home with my kids more. How I am surviving being at home and trying to enjoy my toddlers. Scary health stuff that has been going on in our family. How Shain and I have been working on our marriage. There has been SO much.
But I think I will just start with a reflection on where I was 2 years ago today, because there was a lot about that particular season that brought me to where I am now.
Rocky, our oldest, was just shy of 2 years old, 21 months to be exact. She was coming in HOT at 2, tantrums, whining, crying, clinging, you name it. She had a brand new sister who she without a doubt loved, but she also struggled with the transition. Maeve, our second, was a little over a month at this time and was what you would consider a ‘colicky’ baby. She screamed for what felt like all hours of the day and night and I was her only pacifier. Overwhelmed doesn’t even scratch the surface to what I felt during that season.
Also during this time, my best pup Wyatt, was dying of cancer. We had found out a few weeks prior that he didn’t have much time and he was declining fast. I remember one night vividly. It was around midnight, it took me 3 hours to finally get Maeve to sleep and I was so relieved to get to lay down for maybe an hour or two before she woke up to feed again. Just as I was about to do so, Wyatt puked all over our bed. He had been doing this for weeks. He couldn’t keep anything down. My husband was also traveling a lot for work and he happened to be gone for a two week period at this time so I was alone. I remember just sitting on my bed and sobbing. I was so overwhelmed, sad and angry. So began resentment issues that took me a long time to work through.
My extended family was also struggling. My mom had been having a string of bad luck with her own health and my precious grandparents were also having one ailment after another. There was a lot going on and there was a lot on everybody’s mind and hearts. It was one of those seasons where you just kind of feel like the ground is crumbling underneath you and there is nothing in sight to even grab on to. I felt like I was drowning all day every day.
I had felt the pull prior to this season that I needed to change my work path so that I was home more and had less to juggle. I had a job that I loved, I was able to work from home with flexible hours which I was so thankful for, but it was still a lot. It was still too much. It became very clear to me during this time that I needed to start to plan for a different path. I prayed a lot, I thought about it a lot and I kept feeling that pull to be home. It wasn’t until a few months later when I came up for air that God gave me the idea to start my own business. At that point, I gave myself an 18 month timeline to get everything in line, plan and set the stage little by little for a new chapter. But the decision was made ( I hadn’t even spoken this to my husband at this point, but you know, minor details).
The amazing part though is that after that decision was made, things started to miraculously fall into place. My husband began the journey of finding a new career path that worked better for both him and our family and this change gave us the financial confidence we needed for me to make that “leap”. The things that happened in within that year remind me of one of my favorite lines from the book, The Alchemist:
…or in other words when you are on the path God wants for you, he will open doors for you where you didn’t know there were doors in the first place.
Even though there was a lot of light and relief that came after that time in my life, my family and I are once again embarking on what may be another tough season. I now know I am in a good place to take it and handle it and be here for my family through the storm. It is so clear to me now why God wanted me to stop working full time and I am so thankful. I am still trying to find my groove, but I know I am exactly where I need to be.
I think when we are in hard phases of our life, it is hard to see the light and listen to that still small voice. I have learned that If I am too busy to hear that voice, I am too busy. That voice is what gives me the answers I need to direct me in the path I am supposed to go, not the path that I THINK is right.
Truly blessed in the mess.